Yesterday was very dark.  I don't mean there was no sunshine, because actually, the weather was totally gorgeous, a picture-perfect summer day.  I mean, it was dark in my head.

I got a call in the morning from Dr. Frantzis, my surgeon, to let me know the pathology report from my surgery on Monday.  Apparently, he removed five lymph nodes, and three of those nodes tested positive for cancer.  I guess that also means that two of those nodes were cancer-free, but that isn't what I heard.  It's what I expected, but still, getting the news from my doctor's mouth...not his nurse, not an office worker, but the doctor himself, weighted those words even more significantly.  He let me know that now the oncologist would be running additional tests, like a bone scan and a CT scan, but still, this changes nothing with my treatment...and he was glad I chose to do chemo first.  He also said he thought I was still at stage 2...

I swear, less than a half hour later, the phone rang again, with "Allegiance" showing up in the caller ID once again.  This time, it was Dr.. Hazzi, my oncologist.  He wanted me to know he had my full pathology report, and wanted me to get scheduled with the bone scan and CT scan.  He reiterated Dr. Frantzis, in that this changed nothing with my treatment.  A few minutes later, one of the girls from his office called to schedule those additional procedures.  It took a few back and forth calls to get the times right...so on Tuesday, after my echo cardio gram, I go straight to another part of the hospital to get my CT scan.  On Wed. I go for my chemotherapy info visit.  On Thurs. the 17th, two days after my first chemo treatment, at 8:45 in the morning I get some sort of injection, leave, and come back a few hours later for a bone scan.  Honestly, it's a great thing I'm on "vacation" because I don't know when I'd find the time to work.

Like I said, I was in a dark place.  I tried sitting in the sunshine, but all I wanted to do was lay down and watch tv, which I alternated with little naps.  Then the bouquet of flowers came from my sister in law...so beautiful.  Then the package in the mail came from my friend Lisa...a little bear with the pink ribbon on it, to find the cure...and some self tanner....people know I like my glow...and a card from my cousin's wife with an encouraging greeting...by this time, I was back in the sun, trying to snap out of my funk.  Still sore from my surgery, kinda foggy, and depressed, I talked Steve into going for a ride with me.  Maybe getting out of the house, in a car (hadn't been out since Monday) with the windows down would cheer me up?  Not so much.  I went back to bed, where I tossed and turned most of the night.

This morning I feel a little bit better.  I do realize how well I've taken all this news, from the very beginning, with only a few incidents of crying and self-pity.  I'm trying to be better than that, I guess, whatever that means.  Cancer happens to people every day, and I'm not special, though people constantly tell me they feel bad it's happened to me because I'm such a "good person."  Whatever that means.  I asked someone, why do you think I'm such a good person?  And they said, "you're not a murderer or a drug dealer getting little kids hooked on drugs.  They should be the ones getting cancer."  That is true.  I've never killed anyone or sold or taken drugs.....but still...there are a lot of people out there who get cancer every day...and I've got a fighting chance.  Imagine the people who are diagnosed with a disease for which there is NO CURE...a few years ago I was having some really weird side effects from my migraine medication, and I was being tested for MS...a different migraine pill took care of those symptoms, but still, that was scary...and a few years before that I was tested for something called pulmonary Hypertension...the only cure for that is a full lung/heart transplant...so glad I was suffering from anxiety, and needed some Xanax...either of those two diagnoses would have been more devastating and life changing than breast cancer...hopefully this will be a really ugly, sad, and hard chapter of my life, no matter what those additional tests may find, but only a chapter...not the rest of the book.