There's that moment right before calling the oncology office when you ask yourself... "Is this an EMERGENCY?"  That was what I asked myself this morning, making a call at 7:30, as soon as the office opened for business.   I have a list of symptoms that are considered an emergency situation...a fever over 100.5... Uncontrollable vomiting or diarrhea...the old standby of not breathing or having various body parts swell up.... But what about the symptoms that just don't feel "normal"?  Like....I've been SO fatigued that I just can't get comfortable, even to sleep... I've felt dizzy when in a sitting position, almost like I want to topple over to a lay-down position...and the old stand by...I'm so tired, just showering or getting dressed to do anything...tires me out.  I've felt like an epic failure these last four days, because I really wanted to be different...someone who doesn't look sick...feel sick...act sick...and have  cancer.  Apparently, I'm still not doing any skating....

Well. I was awake every hour on the hour last night, just waiting for the office to open so I could ask my questions....mainly....is this normal?  And, what can you do for me to make this stop?  Is there a shot?  A pill?  Something to make me feel like I did a week ago, before my first chemo treatment?  Apparently, this is very normal.  There is no right or wrong way to how a person's body responds to chemo...according to Sue, the triage nurse, I may be having a reaction in accordance with my body.  After all, that Neulastat shot is working in my bones, she reminded me.  It is suggested I drink more fluids, try Gatorade or juices, take little naps, take a Claritin, take Tylenol....basically, things I've been trying to do since this fog hit.  Sue also wants me to call her in the morning if I'm not easing out of this stage of the chemo cycle so they could check my levels, make sure I don't have anemia, need a transfusion, blah blah blah blah blah..

  I already have a bone scan scheduled for tomorrow morning...and I've made arrangements for a ride.  Hard to believe I don't trust myself to even drive a car...I'll say it again if I haven't already...Thank God I don't have to work.  Because right now...I...could...not.  I'm glad I've made this decision to do the hardest part first (who made that decision?  Oh yeah, I did)...during a time of the year when I can concentrate on nothing but ME.  But, it's not easy giving up control...and that's essentially what's going on here... I have no control over where these symptoms take me next.  According to a new book given to me called Getting Past the Fear: a Guide to Help You Mentally Prepare for Chemotherapy- by Nancy Stordahl, the author had my exact chemo cocktail, and spoke of the lethargy and fatigue.  My two drugs, adriamycin (nicknamed the red devil) and cytoxan are an especially potent cocktail, made to kill my cancer.  I need to remind myself that...I'm Killing my Cancer... And probably a few brain cells along the way, too. :). And I need to be good to myself right now.  If I was bald right now, I honestly don't think I'd even put on a wig...because that's how little I've cared about my appearance...it's just getting through this moment, this hour, this day... And hoping tomorrow is even better...

Truth:  I do feel a little better today than yesterday.  At this moment I'm typing on my iPad...yesterday, reading took too much concentration for more that a paragraph or two.  Truth:  I'm eating healthy, if little meals, mainly provided by loving family or my husband...I have no will to cook, but love those fresh green beans and soup, chicken and fruit....truth: I'm not giving up, this has just been a bump in my road.  I'm still gonna kick this cancer's ass...it's just a little more difficult than I originally imagined.