This was a milestone week on many fronts. On Tuesday, I officially went back to work. Every year, the teachers go back a week ahead of the kids for inservice. The first day is a big one...all of the employees of our district meet, and for the last few years, it's been at the Nazarene Church on M-50. It's nice to meet there...it's comfortable, air conditioned (we had a heat index of 95 degrees that day), and you get to see everyone from all of the other buildings. It's also very motivating, as they have excellent guest speakers for us to listen to. It was also very emotional for me, as I saw a lot of people who knew about my condition, but hadn't seen me in person...lots of hugs, lots of "how are you feeling," and everything in between...it was hard to keep a dry eye for a lot of the morning. It was good to be back. It felt normal, and normal is good.
The next milestone occurred that same Tuesday afternoon...I completed my last A/C bi-weekly chemo treatment. The nurses brought me a gift from Allegiance...it seems their massage therapists and estheticians have been undergoing special training for cancer patients, and I was given a facial and lymphatic massage...for free! I was pretty blown away at the gesture...they even gave one to my mom, too, as she's been to most of my treatments with me. I chose to do the chemo first...the biggest reason was the first four rounds of A/C are supposed to be the most difficult...I still have to get through the effects of the next two weeks, but I know I'll get through it... Bring on the Taxol!
The next day, Wednesday...inservice in my own building. I'd gotten some pretty awesome news about my start of this school year...I have a substitute teacher that will be with me every day for the first six weeks of school...our first marking period. He's a man I've known for years, subbed in our building, and the kids are very fond of him, and he will be there all day...I will teach my first two classes (we are on a five hour day, I teach four classes and have one period for planning...my schedule happens to be teach the first two, plan, and teach the last two). My sub will teach my last two hours...I will give him all the work and guidance he needs during our morning planning...he will do all the class stuff and take that stress off my shoulders. It couldn't have worked out any better than this. Basically, about a week ago I had a meltdown...literally, when I left school, worrying about working full time...the heat of the classroom in the afternoon with no air conditioning, in a wig, and going through a new chemo regimen which, though said to be easier, is still unknown...Unfortunately, my mom was on the other end of the phone when I had it. She just listened, let me rant rave and cry, and didn't judge...I took a bath to relax, and came up with the idea of teaching mornings only...to start...and am so relieved it's come together, I about cried from gratitude. If I'm not able to make it in one morning...he will be there. If I'm sick and have to leave early...he will be there. Bless my principal and superintendent for allowing this to happen...it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I can't wait for Tuesday, and the chance to make this happen!
Wednesday afternoon was my next milestone...my last neulasta shot. When I start Taxol, no added shots...unless needed. However, I did get an earful about my next regiment...I'm not allowed to drive myself, because half of my infusion is a big old dose of Benadryl to ward off allergic reactions...they are afraid to let you drive, so I have to have a driver. Ok, no big deal, I'll let my mom pick me up...she's more than willing, I'll take her up on her offer. Also, upcoming side effects to look forward to...neuropathy in hands and feet seem to be pretty common...also, more hair loss, including the possibility of the eyebrows and eyelashes...I still have all my body hair, and that's on the list, too...however, my leg hair growth has severely slowed down. I've gone from shaving my legs every day, to about every five...I have so little to do in the shower, I used to be in there forever...do you know how long it took to rinse my hair from shampoo and conditioner alone? And shave every day? I will say, if there are any positive things about chemo, is it's definitely giving me a little extra time in the morning...except when you figure in all the time it takes to apply all that self tanner business...oh well, it all evens out. I'm taking this weekend to relax, rest, and mentally prepare for the start of school. My fellow teachers and I planned an amazing "getting to know you" activity that we will do with all of our students at once...it was so energizing to be back to planning and preparing...I think I'm finally ready to go back to school!
Friday, August 29, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
I went to the doctor yesterday to have a few things checked out...first off, let me just say that when you are a cancer patient, you don't just "go to the doctor"... You go to your oncologist, after first calling their triage nurse...who relays all your info to your team...who then determines what to do with you. My symptoms? A cough, and a sore throat. I got an appointment for the next day, at 3:15. I didn't realize that just stopping in for those symptoms was the equivalent of having a normal visit with them...which meant having to go through all the intake stuff I've talked about before...the blood draw...the blood pressure...the dreaded weigh-in...the temperature check. Then, the meeting with the person to go over your meds and issues...etc. a full 25 minutes is given for pre-check stuff...and you still haven't seen the doctor!
What I learned is that my white blood count is dangerously low...in fact, a lot of my counts are low. I'm actually a fever away from being hospitalized on IV antibiotics. I was pretty stunned. This, she explained, is why I've had such a hard time this round, and haven't bounced back like I did my second round. Now, this was nothing like my first round, which was very difficult, but still, I've been very fatigued and to-the-bone tired. Change the bed...have to lay on it. Change a few pillowcases, have to lay down again. I went to my son Drake's first soccer scrimmage last Friday, was too tired to make it to the second one at 7:45 at night...I think I was sleeping in bed at 8:00...and didn't leave the house until Tuesday. Tired. Worn out. And feeling, somehow, guilty about it. And even when I did go out on Tuesday, it was brief. Same on Wednesday, I went into school and to Meijer's...Then on Thursday, Steve and I went out for lunch and did a little shopping before my doctor's appointment...tired me right out.
I told my doctor I thought I did everything right this time, I'd learned from the first round...I drank plenty of fluids...took my Claritin...ate regularly and pretty healthfully...got plenty of rest...she said, quite simply, "it's the chemo. You really can't predict what it will do. The neulasta shot is supposed to help with your blood count levels...but...it's chemo." Hard lesson learned...again, you just can't predict...or plan...or suppose to know...how you are going to be a week from Wednesday....even though maybe two weeks ago, you were fine, this time can be different.
So, long story short, I'm on two antibiotics...one as a preventive measure so I DON'T end up in the hospital, and the other for my cough/sore throat thing. They don't mess around when you're doing chemotherapy...but the best part is, she thinks I'll be better this weekend. That's definitely good news.
I haven't written before now, and this is probably the longest between blogs that I've gone, because truthfully, I didn't feel there was much to write about. Ooohhhh, I've been home. I've been watching tv. I've read a few books. I've been really tired. Even that bores me. But also, there is something I'd like to say to all people who are having a conversation with a person going through cancer... Please don't ask them when they will know if their treatment is having any effect...personally, I'm 6 weeks in of a 20 week chemo regimen. I don't even want to entertain the idea that I've lost my hair, my energy and my SUMMER....for perhaps nothing. I want to believe that what I'm doing is KILLING my CANCER, that my team of doctors know what they are doing, and at the end of this, I will reap the prize...no, not Ed McMahon showing up at my door, though I order enough magazines to totally justify a visit...THE prize, of course, being I get to have my life back. Because right now, it doesn't feel a whole lot like my life...it feels like someone else's....someone who has to avoid the sun, is bald, and when she goes out feels like she's wearing a costume on her head....ask anyone, I never wanted to dress up for Halloween, wear a hat, or basically do anything that didn't allow me to feel like myself. Well....the joke's on me now, because every day is October 31st around here. From Saturday to Monday, I was bald around the house, with an occasional bandana thrown in for company. Tuesday was the first day I put on a wig in several days, and after about 3 hours, I just had to get it off my head. Same with Wednesday and Thursday...too tight, too hot, too too too...fill in the blank, it would probably fit. I wore my brunette wig yesterday at the doctor's office...they all loved it. They are so nice there, like I've said before, for a terrible place to be, they sure try to make it as pleasant as possible. One more round of the A C. Then the Taxol. I can do this.
What I learned is that my white blood count is dangerously low...in fact, a lot of my counts are low. I'm actually a fever away from being hospitalized on IV antibiotics. I was pretty stunned. This, she explained, is why I've had such a hard time this round, and haven't bounced back like I did my second round. Now, this was nothing like my first round, which was very difficult, but still, I've been very fatigued and to-the-bone tired. Change the bed...have to lay on it. Change a few pillowcases, have to lay down again. I went to my son Drake's first soccer scrimmage last Friday, was too tired to make it to the second one at 7:45 at night...I think I was sleeping in bed at 8:00...and didn't leave the house until Tuesday. Tired. Worn out. And feeling, somehow, guilty about it. And even when I did go out on Tuesday, it was brief. Same on Wednesday, I went into school and to Meijer's...Then on Thursday, Steve and I went out for lunch and did a little shopping before my doctor's appointment...tired me right out.
I told my doctor I thought I did everything right this time, I'd learned from the first round...I drank plenty of fluids...took my Claritin...ate regularly and pretty healthfully...got plenty of rest...she said, quite simply, "it's the chemo. You really can't predict what it will do. The neulasta shot is supposed to help with your blood count levels...but...it's chemo." Hard lesson learned...again, you just can't predict...or plan...or suppose to know...how you are going to be a week from Wednesday....even though maybe two weeks ago, you were fine, this time can be different.
So, long story short, I'm on two antibiotics...one as a preventive measure so I DON'T end up in the hospital, and the other for my cough/sore throat thing. They don't mess around when you're doing chemotherapy...but the best part is, she thinks I'll be better this weekend. That's definitely good news.
I haven't written before now, and this is probably the longest between blogs that I've gone, because truthfully, I didn't feel there was much to write about. Ooohhhh, I've been home. I've been watching tv. I've read a few books. I've been really tired. Even that bores me. But also, there is something I'd like to say to all people who are having a conversation with a person going through cancer... Please don't ask them when they will know if their treatment is having any effect...personally, I'm 6 weeks in of a 20 week chemo regimen. I don't even want to entertain the idea that I've lost my hair, my energy and my SUMMER....for perhaps nothing. I want to believe that what I'm doing is KILLING my CANCER, that my team of doctors know what they are doing, and at the end of this, I will reap the prize...no, not Ed McMahon showing up at my door, though I order enough magazines to totally justify a visit...THE prize, of course, being I get to have my life back. Because right now, it doesn't feel a whole lot like my life...it feels like someone else's....someone who has to avoid the sun, is bald, and when she goes out feels like she's wearing a costume on her head....ask anyone, I never wanted to dress up for Halloween, wear a hat, or basically do anything that didn't allow me to feel like myself. Well....the joke's on me now, because every day is October 31st around here. From Saturday to Monday, I was bald around the house, with an occasional bandana thrown in for company. Tuesday was the first day I put on a wig in several days, and after about 3 hours, I just had to get it off my head. Same with Wednesday and Thursday...too tight, too hot, too too too...fill in the blank, it would probably fit. I wore my brunette wig yesterday at the doctor's office...they all loved it. They are so nice there, like I've said before, for a terrible place to be, they sure try to make it as pleasant as possible. One more round of the A C. Then the Taxol. I can do this.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Treatment number 3 of 4 is complete of the adriamycin and cytoxan. In two more weeks I'll have my last bi-weekly treatment. These are the only treatments where I have to go back the next day for the neulasta shot. On September 9th I start my first of 12 weekly taxol treatments. I've scheduled the first two to coordinate with my work schedule...I figure that will give me enough time to let me know how my body reacts to the new drug.... I sure hope I can handle working and undergoing chemo at the same time.
This week Steve and I went on a pretty nice bike ride. We started out on the Falling Waters Trail, rode into town, and around lower Essex Heights. The bad roads seem to be everywhere, even in that lovely southwest city neighborhood near where we used to live. I still love that part of town, and part of me misses living in the city, so close to everything. (Ok, I only live two miles away from there, it's not like I moved out to the middle of nowhere, but still...) on our ride we ran into a couple we know. Our sons played sports together at Jackson High, and it was nice catching up with them. I was talking mainly to Di, and Steve was talking to her husband. Our bikes were kind of blocking the path, but not too terribly. Di asked how I was doing, and I remembered that she was a breast cancer survivor... 10 years, to be exact. She was such an inspiration to me...she went through everything I'm going through now...she even showed me her lumpectomy, which is barely noticeable under her arm, same area as mine. And, she worked through it all. She even had her boys help shave her head to get them involved and not freak at the whole bald thing...It was cute, she told her husband, "Hey, Kim's going through what we went through." Her husband said, "What did we go through?" Men! She said, "Kim has breast cancer and is going through chemo right now." I mentioned to him that was why I was bald...I was wearing my bright yellow bandana from my sunshine basket, some big hoop earrings, and that was it. Her husband said, "I didn't even notice you were bald...I just thought you looked kind of spunky!" Ok...men...sometimes you've just got to forgive them! :). The truth is, I had agonized over what to wear that morning, going for a bike ride. While I normally wear bandanas, or just go bald, in the house, I had yet to LEAVE the house without a wig. You know what? It felt liberating. And comfortable. And, it absorbs your sweat when exercising....lesson learned.
My dad decided that he wanted to go with me to my treatment yesterday, to see more of what I'm going through. My parents have both been great through this...we visited, watched tv, and talked to Tracy my nurse as she changed my meds as needed. We then went to lunch afterwards...Steve, my dad, and I. That's becoming a regular routine, chemo, then lunch, as I'm starved! I just realized that after my last treatment my mom and I went to one-five-one...and now they have closed. I kind of liked that place...I know my in-laws are sitting on gift certificates that I bet they never get to redeem. It would be nice if some other establishment stepped up, even if they offered 25-50% of the value just to get you in the door as a new customer...maybe Bella Notte? Hint, hint... ;)
Today I learned that my potassium levels are still running low, even though I'm taking a supplement...the doctor has ordered me to take it twice a day to get it raised. I've got a list of potassium-rich foods to try to eat more of...I just really don't like bananas, and they say probably one banana a day would do it...ugh! I'll go with the avocado, chicken, and lean beef and milk, baked potatoes with skins...we'll see how that works. I'm sick of taking pills...though my doctor told me yesterday that if I wanted to try it, I could take half of my decadron the next few days, one pill instead of two... I told her how it doesn't let me sleep and gets me all wired up... I might just try that tomorrow.
So today, after my shot, I went to the Westwood Mall because my friend Janie told me that in the old Crown and Carriage store is a store that has wigs. I was pleasantly surprised, chose two to try, and went into a separate, private room with beauty shop chairs and mirrors. The lady working said they did the privacy factor because they have a lot of cancer patients buying wigs...I whipped off my wig, and said "Yep. That's me." She tried on my first one, a shoulder length, kind of side-swept multi-tonal blonde...and I really liked it. The price? $49.99. I tried on the second one...a shoulder length multi-tonal blonde with beach waves...looks very casual, like your waves were air dried. Price? $39.99. As you can guess, I bought them both, bringing my wig family up to six. I spent an hour this morning trimming, combing, and cutting three of my wigs...they were just too long, and getting kind of matted underneath...and not that easy to comb out. The lady at the wig store told me my body heat reacts with the synthetic fibers and mats them...shorter must be better! I will say I'm getting more used to wearing a wig... I'm more confident that they aren't going to blow off...I've even been riding in my car with the windows down! How's that for confidence?
I'm still getting wonderful cards in the mail, and last week friends of ours made us a wonderful dinner and brought it to our home...thanks Kyro's. Your chicken enchiladas were wonderful, and we really appreciated them... You have no idea what that meant to us. And I have gotten more Facebook friend requests than ever before...I wonder if news of my diagnosis is spreading? Especially among my former students! I always tell them I won't friend me while you're currently a student, but friend me after you graduate and I'm happy to comply! I love seeing how they are doing in their lives, and many are so caring and compassionate...this is for you, Amber...you've been nothing but caring and compassionate in your messages to me, and I'll never forget that. Thank you for your concern. Give that baby a kiss for me, and best thoughts for your mother in her own cancer battle. Us cancer patients have to stick together, be supportive, and above all, BE POSITIVE. That's the only way to be.
This week Steve and I went on a pretty nice bike ride. We started out on the Falling Waters Trail, rode into town, and around lower Essex Heights. The bad roads seem to be everywhere, even in that lovely southwest city neighborhood near where we used to live. I still love that part of town, and part of me misses living in the city, so close to everything. (Ok, I only live two miles away from there, it's not like I moved out to the middle of nowhere, but still...) on our ride we ran into a couple we know. Our sons played sports together at Jackson High, and it was nice catching up with them. I was talking mainly to Di, and Steve was talking to her husband. Our bikes were kind of blocking the path, but not too terribly. Di asked how I was doing, and I remembered that she was a breast cancer survivor... 10 years, to be exact. She was such an inspiration to me...she went through everything I'm going through now...she even showed me her lumpectomy, which is barely noticeable under her arm, same area as mine. And, she worked through it all. She even had her boys help shave her head to get them involved and not freak at the whole bald thing...It was cute, she told her husband, "Hey, Kim's going through what we went through." Her husband said, "What did we go through?" Men! She said, "Kim has breast cancer and is going through chemo right now." I mentioned to him that was why I was bald...I was wearing my bright yellow bandana from my sunshine basket, some big hoop earrings, and that was it. Her husband said, "I didn't even notice you were bald...I just thought you looked kind of spunky!" Ok...men...sometimes you've just got to forgive them! :). The truth is, I had agonized over what to wear that morning, going for a bike ride. While I normally wear bandanas, or just go bald, in the house, I had yet to LEAVE the house without a wig. You know what? It felt liberating. And comfortable. And, it absorbs your sweat when exercising....lesson learned.
My dad decided that he wanted to go with me to my treatment yesterday, to see more of what I'm going through. My parents have both been great through this...we visited, watched tv, and talked to Tracy my nurse as she changed my meds as needed. We then went to lunch afterwards...Steve, my dad, and I. That's becoming a regular routine, chemo, then lunch, as I'm starved! I just realized that after my last treatment my mom and I went to one-five-one...and now they have closed. I kind of liked that place...I know my in-laws are sitting on gift certificates that I bet they never get to redeem. It would be nice if some other establishment stepped up, even if they offered 25-50% of the value just to get you in the door as a new customer...maybe Bella Notte? Hint, hint... ;)
Today I learned that my potassium levels are still running low, even though I'm taking a supplement...the doctor has ordered me to take it twice a day to get it raised. I've got a list of potassium-rich foods to try to eat more of...I just really don't like bananas, and they say probably one banana a day would do it...ugh! I'll go with the avocado, chicken, and lean beef and milk, baked potatoes with skins...we'll see how that works. I'm sick of taking pills...though my doctor told me yesterday that if I wanted to try it, I could take half of my decadron the next few days, one pill instead of two... I told her how it doesn't let me sleep and gets me all wired up... I might just try that tomorrow.
So today, after my shot, I went to the Westwood Mall because my friend Janie told me that in the old Crown and Carriage store is a store that has wigs. I was pleasantly surprised, chose two to try, and went into a separate, private room with beauty shop chairs and mirrors. The lady working said they did the privacy factor because they have a lot of cancer patients buying wigs...I whipped off my wig, and said "Yep. That's me." She tried on my first one, a shoulder length, kind of side-swept multi-tonal blonde...and I really liked it. The price? $49.99. I tried on the second one...a shoulder length multi-tonal blonde with beach waves...looks very casual, like your waves were air dried. Price? $39.99. As you can guess, I bought them both, bringing my wig family up to six. I spent an hour this morning trimming, combing, and cutting three of my wigs...they were just too long, and getting kind of matted underneath...and not that easy to comb out. The lady at the wig store told me my body heat reacts with the synthetic fibers and mats them...shorter must be better! I will say I'm getting more used to wearing a wig... I'm more confident that they aren't going to blow off...I've even been riding in my car with the windows down! How's that for confidence?
I'm still getting wonderful cards in the mail, and last week friends of ours made us a wonderful dinner and brought it to our home...thanks Kyro's. Your chicken enchiladas were wonderful, and we really appreciated them... You have no idea what that meant to us. And I have gotten more Facebook friend requests than ever before...I wonder if news of my diagnosis is spreading? Especially among my former students! I always tell them I won't friend me while you're currently a student, but friend me after you graduate and I'm happy to comply! I love seeing how they are doing in their lives, and many are so caring and compassionate...this is for you, Amber...you've been nothing but caring and compassionate in your messages to me, and I'll never forget that. Thank you for your concern. Give that baby a kiss for me, and best thoughts for your mother in her own cancer battle. Us cancer patients have to stick together, be supportive, and above all, BE POSITIVE. That's the only way to be.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
This week I feel like the old "Fat equals Fat" infomercial guru of about 15 years ago, Susan Powter. She was the little bald girl who lost all the weight by claiming "you could eat 32 baked potatoes for the same amount of fat, as say, a piece of cheese. Do you remember her? I don't mean I'm eating dozens of baked potatoes...but, I'm definitely bald. And she had kind of a white head. So do I. After all, my scalp has never seen the sun. But my face and the rest of my body has, so there is this eerie whiteness, kind of glowing at me. I look in the mirror, and am kind of startled to see that hairless being looking back at me. Putting on a wig definitely makes the whole image easier to look at. And wearing a little cap or doo-rag is definitely easier on the eyes, too...but I don't know if I'd ever leave the house without wearing an actual wig.
I feel like when people see me, they aren't sure what to expect... I watch someone's face as they are seeing me in a wig for the first time, and it seems like surprise is the main emotion on their face, more than anything. Surprise that I don't look like a cancer patient. As my friend Anna said to me... "Oh my gosh...you look so good. We didn't think you'd look so good." I'm guessing tv and movies help enhance the image of the emaciated cancer patient, walking with a cane, kind of hunched over and generally sickly looking. I've said it before, and I will say it again... I don't think I look sick. I just think I look like I'm having a bad hair day. But to a bald person, even a bad hair day is better than a no hair day...I'd take my old bad hair days anytime over being hairless... But you never realize how good you've got it, until you don't have it any longer. I told my niece Elisa last night that I'm not judging anyone for their hair anymore, even if it is ugly hair... Because having hair is just something you take for granted. You are lucky if you have it. Period. End of story. I hope I never complain about something as trivial as a bad hair day again.
As of yesterday, I've worn all four of my wigs, including the brunette human hair one. That one was fun, because I got to put a curling iron to it, and style it more than the synthetic ones, where you can just basically mess with the part a little bit and comb it with a large toothed comb. The human hair wig, though dark, really feels like hair. The only thing is, it kind of slips around when brushing it, so it's not quite like having hair that is stuck to your head. But, it is definitely better than nothing.
The cheapest blonde wig feels nice and light. I like it best with a little barrette keeping the bangs out of my eyes. The more expensive blonde wig I spent time cutting with a pair of scissors. It was too long...longer than anything I've ever had naturally, so it too felt like a costume. The reddish one, the Vegas wig my friend gave me, I wore to the lake yesterday. I actually put it into a long ponytail and rode on the pontoon with it. My mom was afraid to give the pontoon any gas because she wondered if my wig would fly off my head... I told her I was pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, it's hot, let's go fast! And it stayed in place just fine. Live and learn, I guess. I will admit, though, I'm still a little leery to ride in my car with the windows all the way down... You just never know what can happen...
Right now is probably the best part of my two-week cycle of chemo... It's the more "normal" part, where I feel pretty good. I'm sleeping through the night (unlike the 3-4 days right after infusion, where the steroids keep me up all night). I was able to go to Canada with Steve for an overnight at Caesar's Windsor.... I have a decent amount of energy. I have an appetite. I'm feeling pretty positive. And I can say, I only have two of these bi-weekly treatments left. Then, school will start. There is a little uncertainty of how I will handle the next phase of my chemotherapy, the Taxol, for 12 weekly treatments. I hope I continue to have some energy. I hope I can go back to work with enough enthusiasm that my kids deserve. I hope I can make it to Drake's soccer games at night. I hope I can continue to keep a positive attitude throughout this entire ordeal. And, like Red's character, played by Morgan Freeman in the great movie The Shawshank Redemption... A man who has finally been released from prison after 40 some years....he realizes he needs to "get busy living, or get busy dying...." And chooses living.... He says....rather dramatically, I might add... "I Hope." So do I.
I feel like when people see me, they aren't sure what to expect... I watch someone's face as they are seeing me in a wig for the first time, and it seems like surprise is the main emotion on their face, more than anything. Surprise that I don't look like a cancer patient. As my friend Anna said to me... "Oh my gosh...you look so good. We didn't think you'd look so good." I'm guessing tv and movies help enhance the image of the emaciated cancer patient, walking with a cane, kind of hunched over and generally sickly looking. I've said it before, and I will say it again... I don't think I look sick. I just think I look like I'm having a bad hair day. But to a bald person, even a bad hair day is better than a no hair day...I'd take my old bad hair days anytime over being hairless... But you never realize how good you've got it, until you don't have it any longer. I told my niece Elisa last night that I'm not judging anyone for their hair anymore, even if it is ugly hair... Because having hair is just something you take for granted. You are lucky if you have it. Period. End of story. I hope I never complain about something as trivial as a bad hair day again.
As of yesterday, I've worn all four of my wigs, including the brunette human hair one. That one was fun, because I got to put a curling iron to it, and style it more than the synthetic ones, where you can just basically mess with the part a little bit and comb it with a large toothed comb. The human hair wig, though dark, really feels like hair. The only thing is, it kind of slips around when brushing it, so it's not quite like having hair that is stuck to your head. But, it is definitely better than nothing.
The cheapest blonde wig feels nice and light. I like it best with a little barrette keeping the bangs out of my eyes. The more expensive blonde wig I spent time cutting with a pair of scissors. It was too long...longer than anything I've ever had naturally, so it too felt like a costume. The reddish one, the Vegas wig my friend gave me, I wore to the lake yesterday. I actually put it into a long ponytail and rode on the pontoon with it. My mom was afraid to give the pontoon any gas because she wondered if my wig would fly off my head... I told her I was pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, it's hot, let's go fast! And it stayed in place just fine. Live and learn, I guess. I will admit, though, I'm still a little leery to ride in my car with the windows all the way down... You just never know what can happen...
Right now is probably the best part of my two-week cycle of chemo... It's the more "normal" part, where I feel pretty good. I'm sleeping through the night (unlike the 3-4 days right after infusion, where the steroids keep me up all night). I was able to go to Canada with Steve for an overnight at Caesar's Windsor.... I have a decent amount of energy. I have an appetite. I'm feeling pretty positive. And I can say, I only have two of these bi-weekly treatments left. Then, school will start. There is a little uncertainty of how I will handle the next phase of my chemotherapy, the Taxol, for 12 weekly treatments. I hope I continue to have some energy. I hope I can go back to work with enough enthusiasm that my kids deserve. I hope I can make it to Drake's soccer games at night. I hope I can continue to keep a positive attitude throughout this entire ordeal. And, like Red's character, played by Morgan Freeman in the great movie The Shawshank Redemption... A man who has finally been released from prison after 40 some years....he realizes he needs to "get busy living, or get busy dying...." And chooses living.... He says....rather dramatically, I might add... "I Hope." So do I.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Two weeks ago, at this time, I wasn't doing very well... I was having a lot of treatment effects from my first round of chemo. This time around, I can honestly say, is nothing like the first round. Yes, I'm a little tired/ fatigued. But no dizziness. No real nausea...I've only taken one or two nausea pills since my treatment on Tuesday, in the middle of the night. I'm not sleeping really well, but that's partly because of the steroids for three days after treatment...they kind of rev you up....I was cleaning out an upstairs closet at 4 in the morning yesterday, organizing a new guest room, and getting things set aside for Steve to take to the Goodwill. And I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel...looking forward to the more "up" part of this cycle.
Yesterday I probably could have laid on the couch for most of the day and been content, but I decided to go to the grocery store. I said that would be my "one thing" I'd set out to accomplish that day. That's been kind of a buzzword in my head since this first ordeal... There will be days when I can literally do one thing, and one thing only. If I work, that may be it. If I want to clean my house, well, then that may be all the energy I have for that day. And once I got to the grocery store, I got a phone call from two of my closest friends, Eugene and Anna, asking if I'd like some company. Eugene and I went to school together and have been great friends since then...his wife and I met, for the first time, at my wedding...she was Eugene's date... And we've been good friends ever since. Ok. So today I'm going to do two things...get groceries and have company...and set a time for them to visit after I got back from Meijer's.
The grocery store at noon on Saturday can be a little bit of a zoo...it was my second day out, wearing a wig, and I was a little self-conscious...it's this feeling that people are looking at me, and not because I look sick... I don't think I do ( but you would if you saw me without that wig on! Not Pretty!), but because it still feels like part of a costume... I hope that feeling goes away. Anyway, I tried out my local wig, the one the girl at the Jackson Crossing helped me try on... And I've wondered aloud in my mind if anyone would ever tell me I have pretty hair again...and it happened...in the frozen food aisle. A lady came up to me to tell me how "pretty my hair color was, it's just beautiful..." And just like what happened in Kohl's, I got very emotional, told her thank you, but it was a wig, and only my second time wearing one out. And I started to cry a little bit. And this strange lady hugged me. And I didn't know if I was crying because I thought she really liked my hair, or if she was seeing someone who was obviously wearing a wig, and she was just trying to be be nice. Part of me wanted to ask her, and part of me just had to get away from her and just keep shopping, going about my business... I hope the more I wear my wigs in public, the more comfortable I'll be in them, and less susceptible to break down and cry. I hope I can just say "thank you for the compliment." That will definitely be an improvement in my emotional healing.
My friends stopped over as we were putting away the groceries. It was so good to see them, we visited for several hours...it was like nothing had changed. I told them the story about the woman in the grocery store...got emotional again... I guess talking about it helps. I will say, on the plus side, I probably cut off about 30 minutes of my morning routine...no blow dry, no curling...just makeup, then hair on. It was kind of liberating, and once school starts I'll probably really appreciate that extra time getting ready for work. My hair is about 80% gone. I will really be glad when it's just all gone, because I'm shedding...and worse than a hundred pound German Shepherd and a Ragdoll cat named Henry put together. I'm lint rolling my pillowcase, my face in the middle of the night...it's crazy! Things like that they don't tell you about, you have to figure it out on your own. I'm not sure what you'd actually call that chapter of chemo... "Have a lint roller handy, because there will be little hairs all over your face, and they will make you itchy." Yuck!
Lots of water and liquids. Eating every 3 hours. Taking a Claritin every day. Resting when my body tells me to, even if it's crawling into bed for a "nap" at 6:30 pm. Not pushing myself too hard, because it's a different kind of tiredness than I'm used to. Taking and accepting help...not being too proud. Appreciating everything my husband is able to do...he's a very good cook, and that really makes things easier for me. Being thankful Drake has had this time away with his best friend's family, and not had to witness first-hand the hair loss... All are things I'm able to appreciate. I'm just glad this round is better than the first. I'm hoping the darkest days of chemo are truly behind me, and now I know more of what to expect.
Yesterday I probably could have laid on the couch for most of the day and been content, but I decided to go to the grocery store. I said that would be my "one thing" I'd set out to accomplish that day. That's been kind of a buzzword in my head since this first ordeal... There will be days when I can literally do one thing, and one thing only. If I work, that may be it. If I want to clean my house, well, then that may be all the energy I have for that day. And once I got to the grocery store, I got a phone call from two of my closest friends, Eugene and Anna, asking if I'd like some company. Eugene and I went to school together and have been great friends since then...his wife and I met, for the first time, at my wedding...she was Eugene's date... And we've been good friends ever since. Ok. So today I'm going to do two things...get groceries and have company...and set a time for them to visit after I got back from Meijer's.
The grocery store at noon on Saturday can be a little bit of a zoo...it was my second day out, wearing a wig, and I was a little self-conscious...it's this feeling that people are looking at me, and not because I look sick... I don't think I do ( but you would if you saw me without that wig on! Not Pretty!), but because it still feels like part of a costume... I hope that feeling goes away. Anyway, I tried out my local wig, the one the girl at the Jackson Crossing helped me try on... And I've wondered aloud in my mind if anyone would ever tell me I have pretty hair again...and it happened...in the frozen food aisle. A lady came up to me to tell me how "pretty my hair color was, it's just beautiful..." And just like what happened in Kohl's, I got very emotional, told her thank you, but it was a wig, and only my second time wearing one out. And I started to cry a little bit. And this strange lady hugged me. And I didn't know if I was crying because I thought she really liked my hair, or if she was seeing someone who was obviously wearing a wig, and she was just trying to be be nice. Part of me wanted to ask her, and part of me just had to get away from her and just keep shopping, going about my business... I hope the more I wear my wigs in public, the more comfortable I'll be in them, and less susceptible to break down and cry. I hope I can just say "thank you for the compliment." That will definitely be an improvement in my emotional healing.
My friends stopped over as we were putting away the groceries. It was so good to see them, we visited for several hours...it was like nothing had changed. I told them the story about the woman in the grocery store...got emotional again... I guess talking about it helps. I will say, on the plus side, I probably cut off about 30 minutes of my morning routine...no blow dry, no curling...just makeup, then hair on. It was kind of liberating, and once school starts I'll probably really appreciate that extra time getting ready for work. My hair is about 80% gone. I will really be glad when it's just all gone, because I'm shedding...and worse than a hundred pound German Shepherd and a Ragdoll cat named Henry put together. I'm lint rolling my pillowcase, my face in the middle of the night...it's crazy! Things like that they don't tell you about, you have to figure it out on your own. I'm not sure what you'd actually call that chapter of chemo... "Have a lint roller handy, because there will be little hairs all over your face, and they will make you itchy." Yuck!
Lots of water and liquids. Eating every 3 hours. Taking a Claritin every day. Resting when my body tells me to, even if it's crawling into bed for a "nap" at 6:30 pm. Not pushing myself too hard, because it's a different kind of tiredness than I'm used to. Taking and accepting help...not being too proud. Appreciating everything my husband is able to do...he's a very good cook, and that really makes things easier for me. Being thankful Drake has had this time away with his best friend's family, and not had to witness first-hand the hair loss... All are things I'm able to appreciate. I'm just glad this round is better than the first. I'm hoping the darkest days of chemo are truly behind me, and now I know more of what to expect.
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