This week it's almost like there was too much going on in my head, that I couldn't sit down and write.  The phone calls from my doctors, with the news that 3 of 5 taken lymph nodes were positive for cancer.  Yesterday, I had the first test to determine if it has gone anywhere else in my body.  A CT scan.

But first, at 12:45, I had to report to the heart center at the hospital for my EKG reading.  They put in an IV, to insert some sort of dye to give an even clearer picture.  They knew I was going straight to Imaging for the CT scan, so made sure I had the right IV for that procedure as well...I trooped off to my next procedure, at 2:00, with an IV dangling from my hand.

I didn't know that I would have to drink this foul, obnoxious drink...1 and 1/2 bottles, to be exact.  Like a really bad, generic slim fast with a chalky after-taste.  I had a migraine coming on, and got permission during my EKG to swallow a migraine pill...so, slightly nauseous, I was told I had to get through the drinks in 20-25 minutes, because it had to sit inside you for about 40 minutes before the scan.  The tech even drew a line at the half-way mark of the second bottle.  "OK," I told myself.  "Just one and a half bottles.  You can do this."  And I did.  I learned if I plugged my nose, and swallowed twice before unplugging it, I only half felt like I was gonna hurl.  And I did it!   One and a half bottles, at the 25 minute deadline.

When my tech came to get me, she led me to the CT room, where I was given back my half empty bottle.  "Ok," she said to me.  "Now you've got to finish the rest of this."  What the hell????  "That's not gonna happen," I told her.  "I drank what she told me to.  I planned it in my head.  If I had been TOLD that I had to drink all of it, I maybe could have planned my thoughts around that.  I'm gonna be sick.  I almost threw up several times just getting that down.  Not gonna happen!"

She just looked at me, and asked me to try to drink what I could.  I was PISSED,  I don't know how else to explain it.  I've gone through this entire cancer thing, since my first initial visit with my doctor, wondering if something was wrong,  to learning I have breast cancer, to the knowledge I'm having chemo and going to lose my hair, to hearing only a few days ago that this shit is in my LYMPH and now may be somewhere else, and not once have I been ANGRY!  But this damn drink?  That seems so UNFAIR!!!  If they had only told me I had to drink the whole thing!!!!  Then I could have planned for it!!!!  Maybe Sharon, my breast cancer patient navigator was right.  We learn to control what we can, and even take comfort in, the things we can control.  This silly little thing...why did it make me so mad?

So, I choked down about 3 gulps, gagged, and got on the table.  Got my pictures.  And then apologized to the gracious technician for my yelling about the drink while she was leading me back to my husband.  But still...am I wrong to think, that if I had been forewarned about "drinking the rest when you get back there..."  That I may have behaved better, and not been so stressed.  It seems like such a minor thing.  But I think cancer patients....ok, me....will act and feel better if I know what to expect.  Like my hair.  I KNOW it's going to come out.  I've even been given a graphic picture of how it happens, not all at once, but strands on the pillow, pulled out in the brush, clumps in your hand, bald patches on your skull...isn't that better, knowing ahead of time, instead of just waking up one morning and being blindsided???  Like, WHAT THE HELL IS ON MY PILLOW???  Why did that happen?  See, I've been mentally preparing for that day for a month.  Like the day I went wig shopping....I took control.  And this week, when I put both wigs on, and tried to "style" them....and put on my yellow bandana from my "sunshine" basket from my friends at work, and wore that around the house for a while.  It's all in the mental preparation.  I CAN DO THIS.  Like my chemo informational visit today, that I'm getting ready to go to.  It's all about being prepared, getting the knowledge, and putting myself in a certain mind-frame to cope.  It's also about one day at a time.  Getting through one "thing" at a time.  And that's about all I can do right now.

Just don't ask me to swallow more than I felt  I was promised. :)