This week I feel like the old "Fat equals Fat" infomercial guru of about 15 years ago, Susan Powter.  She was the little bald girl who lost all the weight by claiming "you could eat 32 baked potatoes for the same amount of fat, as say, a piece of cheese.  Do you remember her?  I don't mean I'm eating dozens of baked potatoes...but, I'm definitely bald.  And she had kind of a white head.  So do I.  After all, my scalp has never seen the sun. But my face and the rest of my body has, so there is this eerie whiteness, kind of glowing at me.  I look in the mirror, and am kind of startled to see that hairless being looking back at me.  Putting on a wig definitely makes the whole image easier to look at.  And wearing a little cap or doo-rag is definitely easier on the eyes, too...but I don't know if I'd ever leave the house without wearing an actual wig.

I feel like when people see me, they aren't sure what to expect... I watch someone's face as they are seeing me in a wig for the first time, and it seems like surprise is the main emotion on their face, more than anything.  Surprise that I don't look like a cancer patient.  As my friend Anna said to me... "Oh my gosh...you look so good.  We didn't think you'd look so good."  I'm guessing tv and movies help enhance the image of the emaciated cancer patient, walking with a cane, kind of hunched over and generally sickly looking.   I've said it before, and I will say it again... I don't think I look sick.  I just think I look like I'm having a bad hair day.  But to a bald person, even a bad hair day is better than a no hair day...I'd take my old bad hair days anytime over being hairless... But you never realize how good you've got it, until you don't have it any longer.  I told my niece Elisa last night that I'm not judging anyone for their hair anymore, even if it is ugly hair... Because having hair is just something you take for granted.  You are lucky if you have it.  Period.  End of story.  I hope I never complain about something as trivial as a bad hair day again.

As of yesterday, I've worn all four of my wigs, including the brunette human hair one.  That one was fun, because I got to put a curling iron to it, and style it more than the synthetic ones, where you can just basically mess with the part a little bit and comb it with a large toothed comb.  The human hair wig, though dark, really feels like hair.  The only thing is, it kind of slips around when brushing it, so it's not quite like having hair that is stuck to your head.  But, it is definitely better than nothing.

The cheapest blonde wig feels nice and light.  I like it best with a little barrette keeping the bangs out of my eyes.  The more expensive blonde wig I spent time cutting with a pair of scissors.  It was too long...longer than anything I've ever had naturally, so it too felt like a costume.  The reddish one, the Vegas wig my friend gave me, I wore to the lake yesterday.  I actually put it into a long ponytail and rode on the pontoon with it.  My mom was afraid to give the pontoon any gas because she wondered if my wig would fly off my head... I told her I was pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, it's hot, let's go fast!  And it stayed in place just fine.  Live and learn, I guess.  I will admit, though, I'm still a little leery to ride in my car with the windows all the way down... You just never know what can happen...

Right now is probably the best part of my two-week cycle of chemo... It's the more "normal" part, where I feel pretty good.  I'm sleeping through the night (unlike the 3-4 days right after infusion, where the steroids keep me up all night).  I was able to go to Canada with Steve for an overnight at Caesar's Windsor.... I have a decent amount of energy.  I have an appetite.  I'm feeling pretty positive.  And I can say, I only have two of these bi-weekly treatments left.  Then, school will start.  There is a little uncertainty of how I will handle the next phase of my chemotherapy, the Taxol, for 12 weekly treatments.  I hope I continue to have some energy.  I hope I can go back to work with enough enthusiasm that my kids deserve.  I hope I can make it to Drake's soccer games at night.  I hope I can continue to keep a positive attitude throughout this entire ordeal. And, like Red's character, played by Morgan Freeman in the great movie The Shawshank Redemption... A man who has finally been released from prison after 40 some years....he realizes he needs to "get busy living, or get busy dying...."  And chooses living.... He says....rather dramatically, I might add...  "I Hope."  So do I.