I went to the doctor yesterday to have a few things checked out...first off, let me just say that when you are a cancer patient, you don't just "go to the doctor"...  You go to your oncologist, after first calling their triage nurse...who relays all your info to your team...who then determines what to do with you.  My symptoms?  A cough, and a sore throat.  I got an appointment for the next day, at 3:15.  I didn't realize that just stopping in for those symptoms was the equivalent of having a normal visit with them...which meant having to go through all the intake stuff I've talked about before...the blood draw...the blood pressure...the dreaded weigh-in...the temperature check.  Then, the meeting with the person to go over your meds and issues...etc.  a full 25 minutes is given for pre-check stuff...and you still haven't seen the doctor!

What I learned is that my white blood count is dangerously low...in fact, a lot of my counts are low.   I'm actually a fever away from being hospitalized on IV antibiotics.  I was pretty stunned.  This, she explained, is why I've had such a hard time this round, and haven't bounced back like I did my second round.  Now, this was nothing like my first round, which was very difficult, but still, I've been very fatigued and to-the-bone tired.  Change the bed...have to lay on it.  Change a few pillowcases, have to lay down again.  I went to my son Drake's first soccer scrimmage last Friday, was too tired to make it to the second one at 7:45 at night...I think I was sleeping in bed at 8:00...and didn't leave the house until Tuesday.   Tired.  Worn out.  And feeling, somehow, guilty about it.  And even when I did go out on Tuesday, it was brief.  Same on Wednesday, I went into school and to Meijer's...Then on Thursday, Steve and I went out for lunch and did a little shopping before my doctor's appointment...tired me right out.

I told my doctor I thought I did everything right this time, I'd learned from the first round...I drank plenty of fluids...took my Claritin...ate regularly and pretty healthfully...got plenty of rest...she said, quite simply, "it's the chemo.  You really can't predict what it will do.  The neulasta shot is supposed to help with your blood count levels...but...it's chemo."  Hard lesson learned...again, you just can't predict...or plan...or suppose to know...how you are going to be a week from Wednesday....even though maybe two weeks ago, you were fine, this time can be different.

So, long story short, I'm on two antibiotics...one as a preventive measure so I DON'T end up in the hospital, and the other for my cough/sore throat thing.  They don't mess around when you're doing chemotherapy...but the best part is, she thinks I'll be better this weekend.  That's definitely good news.

I haven't written before now, and this is probably the longest between blogs that I've gone, because truthfully, I didn't feel there was much to write about.  Ooohhhh, I've been home.  I've been watching tv.  I've read a few books.  I've been really tired.  Even that bores me.  But also, there is something I'd like to say to all people who are having a conversation with a person going through cancer... Please don't ask them when they will know if their treatment is having any effect...personally, I'm 6 weeks in of a 20 week chemo regimen.  I don't even want to entertain the idea that I've lost my hair, my energy and my SUMMER....for perhaps nothing.  I want to believe that what I'm doing is KILLING my CANCER, that my team of doctors know what they are doing, and at the end of this, I will reap the prize...no, not Ed McMahon showing up at my door, though I order enough magazines to totally justify a visit...THE prize, of course, being I get to have my life back.  Because right now, it doesn't feel a whole lot like my life...it feels like someone else's....someone who has to avoid the sun, is bald, and when she goes out feels like she's wearing a costume on her head....ask anyone, I never wanted to dress up for Halloween, wear a hat, or basically do anything that didn't allow me to feel like myself.  Well....the joke's on me now, because every day is October 31st around here.  From Saturday to Monday, I was bald around the house, with an occasional bandana thrown in for company.  Tuesday was the first day I put on a wig in several days, and after about 3 hours, I just had to get it off my head.  Same with Wednesday and Thursday...too tight, too hot, too too too...fill in the blank, it would probably fit.  I wore my brunette wig yesterday at the doctor's office...they all loved it.  They are so nice there, like I've said before, for a terrible place to be, they sure try to make it as pleasant as possible.  One more round of the A C.  Then the Taxol.  I can do this.