Of course the news wasn't good...but I made sure that my husband was prepared before we walked in my doctor's door..."Steve, they didn't give us any information on the phone...they are making us come in...that means the news isn't good."

I could tell by my doctor's face the minute I saw her....

I brought a notepad and pen, prepared to take a ton of notes.  Turns out, my doctor had printed out a good deal of information for me, and my notepad became an unnecessary object, laying on the exam table.  She even had a picture of the magnified cancer cell from the lab with what looked like secret medical code...I later learned that every person's cancer is different, with words like hormone receptors and positive or negative factors.  My scheduled visit  two days later with my surgeon helped clear up some of those Hieroglyphics on the page... He also gave me a booklet to read about breast cancer...I couldn't bring myself to even open it that day, but the next I laid in the sun, lathered up with sunscreen, and began reading.

One of the thongs I learned about breast cancer has really stuck with me...by the time cancer is large enough to be detected by a mammogram, it has been in your body, on average, for 10 years.  So every time I see an article with a headline like "diets heavy in red meat cause breast cancer," and I think, "wow, I've really liked steak this last year, we've probably had it twice a month," I realize that I wasn't eating steak 10 years ago when the cancer cells first appeared!  A lot of it is bullshit!  I have cancer, and it doesn't have to be because I ate meat, or didn't breast feed, or drank Diet Pepsi, am overweight, have been on birth control pills, use a microwave, or even because I drink bottled water and leave the bottles in the car!  My doctor did tell me that our county has one of the highest breast cancer rates in the state...we also have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates, but so what?  When it affects you personally, it means more than statistics on a page...it becomes your life.

I was given a choice...surgery first, then chemo, or chemo first, then surgery....I'm opting to start chemo first because I believe that will be the most difficult part of this entire process.  Let's get this shit OUT of me before it spreads.  That's how I feel.  I told my good friend Janie that I would be a warrior if facing this, and that is my plan.  It doesn't mean I haven't cried in the shower, had moments of despair, or woken up in the night with racing thoughts, mainly about returning to school in the fall and trying to work, teaching my students, and like most teachers, I feel that no one else can truly do my job like I do.  They are MY kids, and only I can get through to them like no one else...but that may have to change....

I have an appointment on June 30th to have my port installed and some lymph nodes removed, as they believe it's in my lymph system.  Chemotherapy will soon follow.

My patient navigator, Sharon, and I had a very long conversation.  This time, I got to use my note pad.  I had a ton of questions for her, mainly referring to chemotherapy and the side effects.Things like, "where do I get a wig, and how does my insurance pay for it?"  I believe I have $250 for what's referred to as a "cranial prosthesis," which is what gets written on the prescription.  "Will I lose my eyelashes and eyebrows too?"  It appears about half do, half don't.  "What are some other side effects I may experience?"  I guess I get to look forward to mouth sores, extreme fatigue, diarrhea and or constipation, and god only knows what else, as every person is different.  "Can I be in the sun?" Which, by the way, is one of my most favorite things to do.  Apparently, I'm not supposed to without sunscreen....ands no sunbathing.  Damn!

My husband has been amazing, and so has my son Drake.  Shortly after getting the news, my son hit a home run, his first one ever, over the Jackson High score board, after putting pink inserts in his batting gloves.  He texted me and said, " I hit it for you with my pink batting gloves."  I'm so proud of him.

I've warned Steve that Sharon has told me I will control what I'll be able to control in my life, because there will be many elements in the next year I will have little to no control of, so he'd better watch out, because I already have a tendency to be a little controlling....