I think I mentioned earlier how great my family doctor is, and how I always feel like she has all the time in the world for me.  Picture this: it's 8:30 on a Saturday night, and my phone rings.  My caller I.D. has my doctor's last name on it...."Hello, Dr. Legere.  What are you doing working on a Saturday night?"  She called me at home...from her own home...on a weekend night...just to see how I was doing.  I wonder how many doctors have that kind of relationship with their patients?  Where they care about them as a person, and are truly concerned for their emotional well being.  She wanted to make sure I liked my oncologist, surgeon, and was holding up ok.  She wanted to make sure I had enough Xanax to get me through this ordeal... She is truly a great person, and I feel very lucky she is my doctor.

This morning Steve and I went for a bike ride.  I rode 14 miles, and am totally feeling every mile right now.  Normally, I'd take a couple of ibuprofen to deal with the muscle aches, but I can't have any because of my surgery on Monday.  We had a great morning on our biikes, and every time I do something "normal," I feel more normal.  Like going out for dinner last night.  Or running the vacuum cleaner.  Or washing my car.  Or going to the grocery store.  Maybe that is the key to getting through this whole situation...try to continue on like everything is normal.

I guess support can come in many ways... I've witnessed it on Facebook.  With phone calls and hugs from friends.  With a visit from my mother in law yesterday morning.  With a good natured argument with my father last night that turned to laughter, and my mom said something like "There's the Kim  we know!"  And right this minute Drake is watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn with me...I think he senses I'd like his company.  Earlier this evening he read my blogs, looked at my Facebook page, and we had a really nice talk.  Normal for Drake has been baseball...he plays on 3 teams, and plays almost every day.  He also works a few nights a week as a waiter at the China House, and stays busy with friends.  Steve thinks staying busy has kept Drake's mind occupied... I agree, staying busy can be good.  But today, I just wanted to veg out for a little bit, lay on the couch,, and watch movies.  They can be a nice distraction, too.

I can't get over how many offers of support I've received in the last few days from so many people...sharing my diagnosis on Facebook, I believe, was the right decision for me.  Offers of meals brought to my home, rides to treatments (I'm pretty sure after the first one I'll be able to drive myself), even help getting wigs and hair pieces....so unbelievable is the generosity of my Facebook "friends."  That is what I am witnessing...true friendship.

Yesterday, after watching my son Drake play baseball at Adrian College, was a day of talking on the phone.  I talked to my Aunt Susie about my condition.  I talked to my admitting nurse about pre-op instructions, medications, and concerns.  I talked to my mom.  And I talked to my sister-in-law Mary, who surprised me once again, in a good way, about changes going on in her life.

Last night after the phone calls my mom called back and asked me to go to the movies...an excellent distraction, to be sure.  "What are we going to see?"  I wondered.  Near the end of this past school year one of my senior boys started really hounding me about reading a book that he loved, and it was going to be a movie that was being released this summer, too.  "Ok, what's the book?"  I asked him.  "I' ll consider it since you love it so much."  He told me it was called "A Fault in Our.Stars."  About teenagers in love.  And cancer.  After listening to my student go on and on about that book and movie, it sounded amazing.   Then, I got my own diagnosis....  So, My mom and I went to see Jersey Boys....not the kid with cancer movie...too close to home.  And it was a pretty good movie, too.

My girlfriend called me while I was driving to the movie, the one who promised me her fabulous "Las Vegas" wig, saying she wanted to bring it over...when I got home from the movie, she had brought me a gift.  The wig, of course.  And self tanner (because she understands my need for the golden glow).  And a hat.  I put that wig on....and my husband loved it!  And I didn't hate it!  In fact, I kind of liked it!  And I took a picture of myself in that new hairpiece...which by the way has streaks of red in it!...and sent her that picture.  Thank you Gidget, for being such a great friend.  Thank you, everyone, for your support. Thank you, mom, for buying my movie ticket.  I had a really nice evening.

Truthfully, I felt better leaving the oncologist's office yesterday than anticipating the visit.... Even though sitting in the waiting room of a practice called "hematology and oncology" was the
last place I pictured myself sitting, among many various people in different stages of sickness, I was ready to just get things rolling!  My husband Steve looked at me and said, "this is surreal, isn't it.  Feels a lot more real now."  I could only agree.  He's been such a great sport...

The girl who checked me in asked me where I teach, and when I said Norhwest Alternative, she mentioned a boy's name...I said he used to be my former student, and I just loved him.  She said that was her older brother, and was my name Kim?  "Oh, he just loved you.  He used to talk about you all of the time.  Your school saved him."  We spoke a little more about her brother, and the last time I saw him was at Yukon Jack's bar out in Hanover, watching his family's band perform.  That band happened to be her entire family, and she was pretty happy I remembered that detail...What a great reminder of why I love my job, but also of why I have been having work nightmares...worrying that the quality of education I'll be able to give my kids will suffer during my illness...I want to help "save" them all....

Anyway, I was checked in, weighed (I swear, don't they just keep that information on a master computer somewhere so every place you go you don't have to step on that stupid scale?) , measured, had my blood pressure and pulse taken, and had my finger pricked with a blood draw that I learn is to be my routine for every single  visit during chemotherapy.  I visited with the doctor's assistant, then waited for my doctor to arrive.  I was told I had an entire hour's block of time with my doctor, I might  not need it all, but it was mine if I wanted it.  I felt absolutely like there was no rush, exactly how I feel with my own family doctor, Dr. Legere.

He was a very kind and gentle man, foreign but easily understood.  I also got to meet Sharon, my patient navigator, as she stayed with me my entire visit.  She's the one I had many questions for on the phone, and it was great to meet her in person.  I was examined physically, and spent that hour learning about my cancer (triple negative...not caused by hormones), the possible stages (will learn more after my surgery on Monday where they do a procedure called sentinel lymph node...hope I said that right), talking about my chemotherapy regimen, and answering more of my questions.  Yes, I can swim in a lake.  Yes, I can go in my hot tub, as long as it's not too hot.  Yes, I can take a bath ("you must like water" he said).  Yes, I can ride a bike.  Yes, I can be with my pets, change the cat box, and even go to a casino.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes..I felt more hopeful than I had in a while, worrying about the things I COULDN'T do, now I had a minute to think about all the things I could do.

After my visit, I had to go to scheduling...I'm having an EKG to make sure my heart can withstand the chemo,  blood work, and an info visit for about an hour and a half before actually starting the chemo...any of my questions unasked will be answered then.  Finally, I got a tour of the "infusion" room, where people were actually undergoing chemotherapy while we walked through.  There were only a few people in the spacious room, and their backs were to me so they could overlook a magnificently landscaped area with a waterfall...it was actually quite beautiful, but it was explained to me that it was near the end of the day and most people had already finished their treatments....I digested the fact that on July 15, that would be me, sitting in that lazy boy, staring out the window at the beautiful waterfall, as that was the date chosen to begin my chemo.

I'm planning on getting a spectacular tattoo to commemorate my kicking cancer' s ass.... Maybe a waterfall should be part of that design?

Yesterday I decided to take charge of something...I went wig shopping and purchased probably my first of many head coverings.  There is a store in the Jackson crossing, and to be honest, it looks pretty "urban," but I had noticed the rows of heads and wigs in the back of the store and had filed that away on the back of my mind.  I worked with an 18 year old girl who just finished her first year at GVSU, and she was very sweet.  In one wig, when I said " I feel like when I enter a room, everyone will point at me and say, that girl is wearing a wig!"   "Her response was, "or they'll say that girl looks hot!"  Gotta love her for that...

After putting on a wig cover, which looks a lot like a cut off nylon, I tried on probably 15 different wigs.  I'd been shopping online and learned there are many differences in wigs and quality...you can get one for $16.99,  a "good" one is in the $200 range, and there are wigs for as much as 2 grand!  Some felt absolutely costumey (probably not a word, but that's how I felt), others looked like a little old lady, still others looked like they were made for a 16 year old girl.  I did buy one...the best I can say is, I didn't hate it, isn't that a recommendation? 😳at last, it felt like I was doing something proactive, instead of having things being done TO me.  It was a small sense of accomplishment...I'm sure I will hate wearing a wig, but it's got to be better than being bald.

Two of my girlfriends have agreed to go wig shopping with me, and one of them even has a wig she bought just for fun and is insisting that I take it...she wore it on the town in Vegas and had a great experience in that wig.  I feel the love coming from her as she tells me how perfect it will look on me....OMG!   I'm gonna be bald soon....but on the positive side, I learned today at the oncologist's office that though my first round of chemo will take my hair, within 3 weeks, my second round, the last 12 weeks, does not cause hair loss, and I may start to regrow my hair DURING that time period....I will get my hair back 3 months sooner than I thought!  More tomorrow about my visit with the oncologist...

Of course the news wasn't good...but I made sure that my husband was prepared before we walked in my doctor's door..."Steve, they didn't give us any information on the phone...they are making us come in...that means the news isn't good."

I could tell by my doctor's face the minute I saw her....

I brought a notepad and pen, prepared to take a ton of notes.  Turns out, my doctor had printed out a good deal of information for me, and my notepad became an unnecessary object, laying on the exam table.  She even had a picture of the magnified cancer cell from the lab with what looked like secret medical code...I later learned that every person's cancer is different, with words like hormone receptors and positive or negative factors.  My scheduled visit  two days later with my surgeon helped clear up some of those Hieroglyphics on the page... He also gave me a booklet to read about breast cancer...I couldn't bring myself to even open it that day, but the next I laid in the sun, lathered up with sunscreen, and began reading.

One of the thongs I learned about breast cancer has really stuck with me...by the time cancer is large enough to be detected by a mammogram, it has been in your body, on average, for 10 years.  So every time I see an article with a headline like "diets heavy in red meat cause breast cancer," and I think, "wow, I've really liked steak this last year, we've probably had it twice a month," I realize that I wasn't eating steak 10 years ago when the cancer cells first appeared!  A lot of it is bullshit!  I have cancer, and it doesn't have to be because I ate meat, or didn't breast feed, or drank Diet Pepsi, am overweight, have been on birth control pills, use a microwave, or even because I drink bottled water and leave the bottles in the car!  My doctor did tell me that our county has one of the highest breast cancer rates in the state...we also have one of the highest teen pregnancy rates, but so what?  When it affects you personally, it means more than statistics on a page...it becomes your life.

I was given a choice...surgery first, then chemo, or chemo first, then surgery....I'm opting to start chemo first because I believe that will be the most difficult part of this entire process.  Let's get this shit OUT of me before it spreads.  That's how I feel.  I told my good friend Janie that I would be a warrior if facing this, and that is my plan.  It doesn't mean I haven't cried in the shower, had moments of despair, or woken up in the night with racing thoughts, mainly about returning to school in the fall and trying to work, teaching my students, and like most teachers, I feel that no one else can truly do my job like I do.  They are MY kids, and only I can get through to them like no one else...but that may have to change....

I have an appointment on June 30th to have my port installed and some lymph nodes removed, as they believe it's in my lymph system.  Chemotherapy will soon follow.

My patient navigator, Sharon, and I had a very long conversation.  This time, I got to use my note pad.  I had a ton of questions for her, mainly referring to chemotherapy and the side effects.Things like, "where do I get a wig, and how does my insurance pay for it?"  I believe I have $250 for what's referred to as a "cranial prosthesis," which is what gets written on the prescription.  "Will I lose my eyelashes and eyebrows too?"  It appears about half do, half don't.  "What are some other side effects I may experience?"  I guess I get to look forward to mouth sores, extreme fatigue, diarrhea and or constipation, and god only knows what else, as every person is different.  "Can I be in the sun?" Which, by the way, is one of my most favorite things to do.  Apparently, I'm not supposed to without sunscreen....ands no sunbathing.  Damn!

My husband has been amazing, and so has my son Drake.  Shortly after getting the news, my son hit a home run, his first one ever, over the Jackson High score board, after putting pink inserts in his batting gloves.  He texted me and said, " I hit it for you with my pink batting gloves."  I'm so proud of him.

I've warned Steve that Sharon has told me I will control what I'll be able to control in my life, because there will be many elements in the next year I will have little to no control of, so he'd better watch out, because I already have a tendency to be a little controlling....

well, I never thought I'd be in this position...I'm 45 years old, a wife, mother and high school English teacher, and have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Invasive ductal carcinoma, to be more exact.  To fully understand this you have to know how I learned of this not wholly surprising diagnosis.

Mid-may I was walking around the Westwood Mall, and my left breast started to ache.  that night, the pain woke me with such intensity I almost cried.  That was a Saturday night...on Monday morning I called my doctor's office...got an appointment that Friday.  The pain lessened, but I kept my appointment.

My doctor felt a mass, and scheduled me for an ultrasound and  mammogram.  The mammogram showed 2 spots, the ultrasound was even more questionable, and I was scheduled for a biopsy...again, about two weeks later.

The Friday of my biopsy was like a dream in slow motion....starting with delays to get in as the rooms were all full, to the doctor's thoroughness in his explanation of what was happening every minute.  As I watched those tiny worm-like segments being cut, and then sucked, out of me, he let it be said that one was very close to, if not actually in, my lymph nodes.... I remember telling the doctor I had a party to go to in an hour, would it be ok to go?  He advised me to drink with my right hand.  We went to the pool party, I mingled and made small talk, the whole while ruminating on the doctor's words..."your ultrasound is very suspicious."   How do I explain, but I JUST KNEW the news was not going to be good.

That was a Friday...I was told I'd get my information on Monday.  I heard nothing.  I called my doctor on Tuesday....still nothing.  That was my last day of school for the summer....I cleaned my classroom, finished my grades, and got my first week of the new school year ready for September....I also made meticulous notes...to myself?  A substitute?  I was sure that I would be getting news soon, and fairly certain of what it would be.

The next day, my doctor finally called...asking me to come in at 4:00 to get my news.  Nothing said on the phone...of course that was very telling.  I called my husband, also a teacher, who was still in class and gave him the news.....
We had a date with my doctor, at 4.