I want to say that two weeks into taxol, and after my third treatment today, it is definitely easier on my body than the a/c. I was grocery shopping at Meijer's on a Sunday, and remarked to Steve that in the last two months, this was the first Sunday after a treatment that I was able to do that. Yeah, I'm a little more tired on Friday and Saturday, but nothing like the 3 days of not leaving the house, or driving, or basically, going anywhere, during the first four rounds of chemo. This is definitely a relief!
Today Tracy was my nurse again, and I just really enjoy her...she has so much personality. I always said that the oncology department is a terrible place to be a member, but they do everything in their power to make it not as terrible as it could be. Today, during treatment, the machine tha regulates the flow of fluids into my port seemed to act up...Tracy was kind of beating on it, saying something like "Don't be kicking air bubbles into my line!" What? Air bubbles? "Uh, Tracy? You aren't trying to kill me, are you?." "Oh, no," she assured me. "It takes more than a line of bubbles to kill you. I know in all the tv shows, they make it look like a single air bubble will kill you, but that's not true. I promise...you'll be fine." "Holy crap!" I was really nervous, but she was right...she didn't kill me, even though I assured her that I watch ALL the CSI's and Law and Orders, and, yes, people are definitely killed ALL the time by air bubble! What a fake!
Side effects seem to be less pronounced...I've had a little of the neuropathy in my hands and feet, but not a lot so far. Tired at the end of the week, more than just the usual tired of a working mom, but way less than the overwhelming fatigue I felt a month ago. Still holding onto my eyebrows and eyelashes (keep your fingers crossed for me, will you?) and still have my arm hair, facial hair, and my head, though buzzed bald, still has a stubble you can feel with your hands...but a week and a half ago, I lost the nose hair...dang it! Now Kleenex is my very best friend. Between the cold I've had and the cough I can't shake, it just... feels pretty normal...every year going back to school, I've gotten sick in September. We have so many sick kids right now, it isn't even funny! And most of our staff has been sick too. Drake's soccer team has had sickness, too, so I think it's pretty much all over town right now...
I'm really appreciative of the half days I'm able to work, and rotating with one day working in the afternoon instead of the morning has been great. I'm tryong to have all my papers graded each day before I leave, so I can keep tabs on ALL of my kids, even the classes I'm only physically teaching one day a week. I'm working with my sub every day, making sure he knows what he's doing for each class, and getting feedback on how things went during the classes he taught. It almost feels like I have a student teacher again, only I'm not there to observe and correct...my job is to not feel guilty about the time I'm spending on me. This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done...walked away during a school day. But, I'm doing it so I will (hopefully) never have to walk away from my students for any length of time in the future, ever again. "This too shall pass" has been my mantra from the beginning, and "this is only temporary, you WILL get through this," has been my back-up saying. Everyone needs a positive voice in their head...these have been mine. Ooooh, voices in my head! Side effects from the anti-nausea meds? Just kidding. I've already stated in previous posts that I talk to myself, nothing new there. But, did you know that sometimes, I talk to myself in different, funny sounding accents? It's all just practice, really, for my real job...of teaching English, and reading out loud to groups of children (albeit big ones!) of which many never got read to when they were little. A love of reading is instilled when a child is very small, and most of my kids never got that privilege, so I do everything in my power to make it a great experience for them now. ( I once had a student tell me "Reading is for rich people." Honestly, I can't make that stuff up. Isn't that crazy?) Anyway, I was reading a short story to my class last Wednesday, called "The Right Kind of House," and used different voices for the characters...a deep, gruff voice for Mr. Waterbury, and for the part of Sadie Grimes, I used this really crackly, gnarly sounding old- lady voice. When I looked out at my class to make sure they were following along, they were all staring at me, some with open mouthed wonder. Several times throughout the story, I looked up...and the entire class was still staring. I tried not to crack up, but knew I had them! And I was doing my job. The post reading activity went great, the kids delved into theme, protagonist, antagonist, plot...everything you'd want someone to know, and I even heard some really good original thoughts on their take of things. The following Monday, as we were beginning our next short story, I said to the class, "OK, how about this time when I read, you all follow along and don't just stare at me like you did when I read our last short story!" The kids cracked up, and said, "It was that old lady voice! It was so awesome! I never had anyone read a story like that aloud before!"
And that, my friends, is why I teach at alternative high school. They can really appreciate something that a lot of kids were able to take for granted growing up. An adult, taking the time, to read to them. Shouldn't every kid have that? So if they didn't get it at six, I'm gonna give it to them at sixteen. It's never too late to become a reader.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Yesterday I had my first taxol treatment....the first 30-40 minute infusion was straight Benadryl...then 2 other little infusions, then the decadron, the steroid to help prevent nausea, and finally the taxol, a full one hour infusion. My total appointment time yesterday; about 3 and 1/2 hours. Just glad I don't have to go back the next day for a shot. I will say, that Benadryl pretty much knocked me out. I felt bad for my mom, instead of having me to visit with, she was pretty much relegated to foot shaker if I began snoring...luckily, I didn't. I would have been so embarrassed! They made such a big deal about a possible allergic reaction, which would have been an anaphalyctic one...they even had an oxygen machine behind me just in case. Luckily, no reaction. That's what the Benadryl is about.
Last week I was so happy for Friday. I was really glad to be back to work, with my students, and I had a really good first week, but I was pretty tired. My sub told me on Monday how he couldn't believe how tired he was, it was the most tired he could remember being. We had a good laugh about how a lot of people don't get how exhausting being "on stage" all day long can be. It's the talking, and reading, and just being fully present that does it. But, it's so worth it. I was lucky, working mornings only afforded me the opportunity to miss the extreme heat of Friday afternoon...when I left at 11:30 on Friday, it was already 88 degrees in my classroom...it was well above that when school let out Friday. This week is supposed to be better, and for that, I'm grateful. Working without air conditioning is a challenge, something we had in our old building...last year.it was something I had to adapt to. Extreme heat plus chemo...not the best combination. Today it felt about perfect in my room. I went in and worked the second half of the day, taught my afternoon classes and let my sub teach my morning ones. I did that because I wasn't sure how I'd feel this morning after my treatment yesterday, and also for the chance to be with my last two classes. I think I will do this each Wednesday of this first marking period. I think it's also best for the kids.
Several of my students told me they liked the hair I was wearing today best...it reminded them the most of my old hair. I said, "You mean my wig?" They all said it looked really nice. I told them that this morning I cut the bangs on it, and they all said it looked great. One kid said, "A-plus, Mrs. Csage." Another girl said, "I thought the one you wore on the first day of school looked a lot like your old hair. I didn't even know that was a wig." I told her it was because I thought it was most similar to my old color, right down to the dark roots. I shared with the class that the hardest thing about the whole wig thing was that none of them really looked like my old hair, and the hardest thing is looking in the mirror and seeing someone different looking back. Like I said earlier, I've been very up front about my situation with my kids, and because of that, I think I've gotten respect from my students. They all have been really understanding with my working half days...several ask me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling...there's a lot of empathy in my little alternative school. Empathy from kids who live in homes and faces challenges every day that most of us can't even comprehend. They make me proud to be their teacher.
This Saturday, speaking of wigs, I woke up at 5 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep...I had something weighing on my mind...I needed to wash my wigs. I decided to just get up and do it. I got my instruction guide out, and filled both bathroom sinks with water. In one sink, I put the wig shampoo. In the other, the wig conditioner. I then took a wig, and swished it around the shampoo for a few minutes. It had to be rinsed, and because I'd set up the drying station in the bath tub, that left the shower. I turned on the shower, and holding it under the spray, rinsed it out. I was pretty wet myself, then took the wig to soak in the conditioner. Got the next wig, shampooed it, got the one out of the conditioner, turned on the shower again, rinsed it really well, wrung it out gently, and put it on a wig stand, in the tub to dry. I did this for five wigs...I had to save the sixth one to wear that day. About half way through, Steve yelled at me, "What are you doing?" I told him I was washing my wigs, go back to sleep. I think he thought I was crazy. I had no idea how long it would take them to dry, and truthfully, I was hoping that this didn't ruin them. I also took my two wigs that were tight and uncomfortable, and stretched them out. By the time I was done, I was soaked and my floor was drenched. Oh well, it needed to be mopped anyway. That night, I took each one and combed them out by hand...it was a pretty long process, and you can't comb a wet wig, but now each wig is good for roughly another 7 wearings each before needing to be washed again, and the stretched out one fits beautifully now, and is the one given an "A plus" by my student today. I'm glad I didn't give up on it, and took the time to try to stretch it and make it fit. It might even be my most comfortable wig!
Last week I was so happy for Friday. I was really glad to be back to work, with my students, and I had a really good first week, but I was pretty tired. My sub told me on Monday how he couldn't believe how tired he was, it was the most tired he could remember being. We had a good laugh about how a lot of people don't get how exhausting being "on stage" all day long can be. It's the talking, and reading, and just being fully present that does it. But, it's so worth it. I was lucky, working mornings only afforded me the opportunity to miss the extreme heat of Friday afternoon...when I left at 11:30 on Friday, it was already 88 degrees in my classroom...it was well above that when school let out Friday. This week is supposed to be better, and for that, I'm grateful. Working without air conditioning is a challenge, something we had in our old building...last year.it was something I had to adapt to. Extreme heat plus chemo...not the best combination. Today it felt about perfect in my room. I went in and worked the second half of the day, taught my afternoon classes and let my sub teach my morning ones. I did that because I wasn't sure how I'd feel this morning after my treatment yesterday, and also for the chance to be with my last two classes. I think I will do this each Wednesday of this first marking period. I think it's also best for the kids.
Several of my students told me they liked the hair I was wearing today best...it reminded them the most of my old hair. I said, "You mean my wig?" They all said it looked really nice. I told them that this morning I cut the bangs on it, and they all said it looked great. One kid said, "A-plus, Mrs. Csage." Another girl said, "I thought the one you wore on the first day of school looked a lot like your old hair. I didn't even know that was a wig." I told her it was because I thought it was most similar to my old color, right down to the dark roots. I shared with the class that the hardest thing about the whole wig thing was that none of them really looked like my old hair, and the hardest thing is looking in the mirror and seeing someone different looking back. Like I said earlier, I've been very up front about my situation with my kids, and because of that, I think I've gotten respect from my students. They all have been really understanding with my working half days...several ask me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling...there's a lot of empathy in my little alternative school. Empathy from kids who live in homes and faces challenges every day that most of us can't even comprehend. They make me proud to be their teacher.
This Saturday, speaking of wigs, I woke up at 5 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep...I had something weighing on my mind...I needed to wash my wigs. I decided to just get up and do it. I got my instruction guide out, and filled both bathroom sinks with water. In one sink, I put the wig shampoo. In the other, the wig conditioner. I then took a wig, and swished it around the shampoo for a few minutes. It had to be rinsed, and because I'd set up the drying station in the bath tub, that left the shower. I turned on the shower, and holding it under the spray, rinsed it out. I was pretty wet myself, then took the wig to soak in the conditioner. Got the next wig, shampooed it, got the one out of the conditioner, turned on the shower again, rinsed it really well, wrung it out gently, and put it on a wig stand, in the tub to dry. I did this for five wigs...I had to save the sixth one to wear that day. About half way through, Steve yelled at me, "What are you doing?" I told him I was washing my wigs, go back to sleep. I think he thought I was crazy. I had no idea how long it would take them to dry, and truthfully, I was hoping that this didn't ruin them. I also took my two wigs that were tight and uncomfortable, and stretched them out. By the time I was done, I was soaked and my floor was drenched. Oh well, it needed to be mopped anyway. That night, I took each one and combed them out by hand...it was a pretty long process, and you can't comb a wet wig, but now each wig is good for roughly another 7 wearings each before needing to be washed again, and the stretched out one fits beautifully now, and is the one given an "A plus" by my student today. I'm glad I didn't give up on it, and took the time to try to stretch it and make it fit. It might even be my most comfortable wig!
Thursday, September 4, 2014
This week I'm grateful to be back to work, even if it is on a modified day. The effects of last Tuesday's chemo treatment hit me this weekend, especially Sunday and Monday, but I knew I had to get up Tuesday and put on a brave face. I got up extra early, even though technically I have less to do to get ready, mainly my hair...it's a good thing I planned it like that. Shower...lay on the bed. Get dressed...lay on the bed. Then, I made the mistake of taking some of my meds without eating first, and got sick to my stomach...not a great way to start the new school year. Somehow, I made it.
Anyone who has looked at my Facebook page may have noticed that one of my students, Luke, shaved his head in honor of me. He is the brother of Amber, another student (graduate) that I've written about, and he and his family have been so supportive of me and what I've been going through. I saw Luke Tuesday morning and gave him a hug...he told some kids that he did it for me...it was a pretty humbling moment, and I think a lot of the other students thought that was a pretty worthy thing that he had done. I joked in front of the kids that "that's what my head looks like." I just want to be up front with the kids and let them know that I AM wearing a wig. I DO have cancer. I AM undergoing chemo treatments...even will have them on days that I teach. But I also want them to know that I'm going to get through this, and I'm there in the morning, because I care about them. And please, don't mind the special bathroom stall with my name one it, with a big fat sign that I made saying "kids- do not use! Mrs. Csage only!" I can't believe no one has asked me about that. By the way, after a chemo treatment, you excrete the chemotherapy for up to 48 hours afterwards, so it's just a precaution for the kids. Our secretary and custodian decorated the inside of my stall... A shelf installed, floral arrangement and wipes...hilarious! Anything to bring a little cheer...even into the ladies' restroom 😊
I keep getting crazy gifts...crazy in a good way. My mom and dad bought me a Pandora bracelet to celebrate the end of the A/C, with a good luck charm on ot. I love it. A high school friend of my husband, also a breast cancer survivor, sent us a huge gift certificate to a local restaurant, with a knowing note about not feeling up to cooking when going back to work. Steve and I just looked at each other...it was our first day back last week, before kids, and realized neither one of us had gotten something out for that evening...we used that gift card that night...it was like some kind of sign for us to do that. My Aunt Susie brought me some meals over yesterday, knowing that when school started up...it was awesome. And today at work, a 2014 graduate and his mom, Dawn, who I just adore, sent me two pedicures...one for me, and one for my mom, at a beauty shop up the road from my house. I was so blown away with the thoughtfulness of everyone mentioned above. But one more thing:
Last week we had an open hope for back to school. And waiting for me, in my classroom, was a giant bouquet of yellow balloons, a yellow flower (keeping the sunshine going, says Sabrena), and a huge card with personalized messages from all of our returning students, to me, as they came in to enroll for this upcoming school year. Probably the most amazing note was from a graduate who apologized to me, said she regretted that she wasn't nicer to me last year, found me on Facebook, and apologized AGAIN! People ask me, all of the time, how I can do what I do for a living, with teenagers who can be explosive and rude, sometimes even mean...it's because of moments like that. When you see someone take ownership of a past wrong, and do everything in their power to make it right, it's totally worth it. I never think a kid is truly bad, just their actions...and we can all change and want to be better people. If it takes someone's teacher being diagnosed with cancer to make them think that maybe they better set something right? Then, Why not?
Today I came home and crashed...could barely make the drive home from school without falling asleep. I think it's because I pushed myself yesterday, insisted on teaching almost the whole day, just to make sure the kids got off on the right track. I think this marking period will go a lot smoother with my sub, Clive, and he is super dependable, and the kids really like him. However.... I just want to make sure my afternoon kids are getting the same kind of education as my morning kids...but, it is only for six weeks...hopefully, after my first few Taxol treatments, I'll get into a rhythm with my body and symptoms...hopefully, less than the A/C...but only time will tell. Happy back to school, everyone!
Anyone who has looked at my Facebook page may have noticed that one of my students, Luke, shaved his head in honor of me. He is the brother of Amber, another student (graduate) that I've written about, and he and his family have been so supportive of me and what I've been going through. I saw Luke Tuesday morning and gave him a hug...he told some kids that he did it for me...it was a pretty humbling moment, and I think a lot of the other students thought that was a pretty worthy thing that he had done. I joked in front of the kids that "that's what my head looks like." I just want to be up front with the kids and let them know that I AM wearing a wig. I DO have cancer. I AM undergoing chemo treatments...even will have them on days that I teach. But I also want them to know that I'm going to get through this, and I'm there in the morning, because I care about them. And please, don't mind the special bathroom stall with my name one it, with a big fat sign that I made saying "kids- do not use! Mrs. Csage only!" I can't believe no one has asked me about that. By the way, after a chemo treatment, you excrete the chemotherapy for up to 48 hours afterwards, so it's just a precaution for the kids. Our secretary and custodian decorated the inside of my stall... A shelf installed, floral arrangement and wipes...hilarious! Anything to bring a little cheer...even into the ladies' restroom 😊
I keep getting crazy gifts...crazy in a good way. My mom and dad bought me a Pandora bracelet to celebrate the end of the A/C, with a good luck charm on ot. I love it. A high school friend of my husband, also a breast cancer survivor, sent us a huge gift certificate to a local restaurant, with a knowing note about not feeling up to cooking when going back to work. Steve and I just looked at each other...it was our first day back last week, before kids, and realized neither one of us had gotten something out for that evening...we used that gift card that night...it was like some kind of sign for us to do that. My Aunt Susie brought me some meals over yesterday, knowing that when school started up...it was awesome. And today at work, a 2014 graduate and his mom, Dawn, who I just adore, sent me two pedicures...one for me, and one for my mom, at a beauty shop up the road from my house. I was so blown away with the thoughtfulness of everyone mentioned above. But one more thing:
Last week we had an open hope for back to school. And waiting for me, in my classroom, was a giant bouquet of yellow balloons, a yellow flower (keeping the sunshine going, says Sabrena), and a huge card with personalized messages from all of our returning students, to me, as they came in to enroll for this upcoming school year. Probably the most amazing note was from a graduate who apologized to me, said she regretted that she wasn't nicer to me last year, found me on Facebook, and apologized AGAIN! People ask me, all of the time, how I can do what I do for a living, with teenagers who can be explosive and rude, sometimes even mean...it's because of moments like that. When you see someone take ownership of a past wrong, and do everything in their power to make it right, it's totally worth it. I never think a kid is truly bad, just their actions...and we can all change and want to be better people. If it takes someone's teacher being diagnosed with cancer to make them think that maybe they better set something right? Then, Why not?
Today I came home and crashed...could barely make the drive home from school without falling asleep. I think it's because I pushed myself yesterday, insisted on teaching almost the whole day, just to make sure the kids got off on the right track. I think this marking period will go a lot smoother with my sub, Clive, and he is super dependable, and the kids really like him. However.... I just want to make sure my afternoon kids are getting the same kind of education as my morning kids...but, it is only for six weeks...hopefully, after my first few Taxol treatments, I'll get into a rhythm with my body and symptoms...hopefully, less than the A/C...but only time will tell. Happy back to school, everyone!
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